Bad Weekend / Just Another Day...

This weekend I had a hair coloring appointment which I thought would help with my depression, which at first I did feel a bit better.  I also was planning on going to a TG support meeting in Grand Rapids, MI which is a little over an hour drive fro me.  When I got home after my hair appointment I took my puppies out for a walk to help clear my mind,  this had the opposite effect though and just me think about more about my transition and how I absolutely got no one in my life.  This just reinforced my anxiety/depression and stress levels so after my walk with my puppies I just laid on my couch the rest of the day and started to watch the second season of Orange is the new black.  I keep telling myself that I need to go out more and socialize and be around others like myself for support and made new friends but most of the time my depression gets the best of me and all I want to do is just be by myself.  I want to change because I do REALLY hate feeling like how I do, but I am just lost in how to make these changes.  I am just feeling so lost and alone right now and really do not know where to turn anymore.

Depression and Body Dysphoria

I have been struggling with depressing and body dysphoria issues for most of my life; which is stemming for my GID. Most days it is manageable when I can just have my work to keep me busy and my mind otherwise occupied. I also take walks during my lunch break to help relieve my anxiety which does help at times, but at the same time it does let me mind wander and I start think/stress about my transition (or lack of) and my anxiety levels start to get elevated again. Lately, for some reason, my dysphoria issues has been kicked into high-gear; which I really hate how I feel when I have these episodes but all I want to do is just hide away from the world and separate myself from everyone around me.  My friends and people I work with know that something is wrong because I become very quiet and reserved; which if you knew me is the opposite of who I am and I am usually very sociable and out-going.  I hate how I feel/am during this and just usually have to wait until it passes before I can feel somewhat normal again.  I am on medication to help with my depression, but this only helps a very small bit though.  I want/need to change my behavior so I won't have to suffer though this again but I just do not know how to?  I feel so stuck right now with every aspect of my life.  :-(

For me writing about myself is not an easy thing to do. I always think to myself why do people care what happens in my life or about my transition. A friend though of mine thought that it might be therapeutic to write what was on my mind, and also about my transition progress. Back in 2009: I been on HRT for a bit over 4 years, which I also consider is the time that I first started to transition. Most of my close friends, and direct family know about my need to transition and for the most part I have been very lucky and blessed with the support that I am receiving. When I first game out to my Mom and Dad I was incredibly nervous, I sat them down at their table and just started to cry uncontrollably. Every-time I tried to talk again I just broke down and started to cry again. They of course asked what was wrong and whatever it was that they would love me. I finally told them that I have not been happy for a long time and severely depressed. I have also told them that I was going to a therapist to initially hopefully narrow down the root cause of my depression. After many therapy sessions I was diagnosed with Gender identity disorder (GID). I explained to my parents what this was to the best of my abilities, and first they did not really know what to say and they said that they never known that I was that depressed that I needed to see a therapist. When I get depressed I am not very verbal at all about how I feel, and most of the time I distance myself from friends/family until the depression gets to a level that I can handle. My parents are not overly religious but they did try to through the whole religion thing about my transition in how God does not make mistakes. I had to respond to that with saying that if I were born blind or physically deformed in anyway wouldn't you do anything and everything that you can so I would have a 'normal' and happy life? If God does not make mistakes then would you just leave me to be blind or be physically deformed? They really did not know how to answer this. After about 2 hours with sitting down my parents and discussing this in detail they just said that they really do not understand what I am going though but no matter what they will love and support me. I feel very blessed/lucky to have such amazing and supportive parents, even my close friends are 100% supportive of me. 2014 - The Present: I am still not full-time yet but hopefully within the next 60 days I will FINALLY transition to full-time status. I informed HR about my GID and so far they have been so amazing and supportive. HR informed me that I am not the only one in the organization that has transition, in my own division yes as far as they know I am but nationally there have been others. I asked HR if I can reach out to the others to discuss their experiences, and for any advice so I am still waiting to hear back from HR about this request. I am still stressing though a lot about transitioning. I still have the fear is not being able to pass successfully either at work or out in public. My friends who know about me says that I am stressing over nothing and said that I am pretty passable right now, and just need to work on my hair and makeup. Which honestly makeup is defiantly my major weakness. When I ever try to do my own makeup I end up looking like a drag-queen who is on bath salt or something like that. I then get discouraged and do not try to do makeup again for awhile, which I know is not helping me in this area and I probably need to go someplace professionally to get it done so I can watch exactly they they do and try my best to copy it. Anyway I need to get back to work, I will try to update more when I can :-)